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Yolp! Fake Jersey people. Real reviews.

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Fake Jersey people. Real reviews.®

While doing research for this issue on the growth of citizen reviewing, I came across the newest user-generated review website. Unable to ignore the astonishing depth and breadth, I wanted to share it with our loyal Newcity readers. (Michael Nagrant)



Category: Asian Fusion

Neighborhoods: Near North Side, River North
110 W Illinois St
Chicago, IL 60654
(312) 644-0500

Mike S Elite ’10, Situation ‘10
Seaside Heights, NJ
9,979 friends
1 review


First off, you know I like to serve my hater juice cold, and I wanted to give this place one star, but you know my boy Billy Dec runs this spot, and that dude definitely knows how to GTL, well, gym and tan anyway. I think he pays someone else to do his laundry. Second off, it’s supposed to be Asian Fusion. Yo, I ain’t no John Mayer. My junk and my heart is totally Benetton and I like me some fusion with Asians, know what I’m sayin? But ain’t none wanted to fuse with me.  I mean this restaurant is sexual napalm – in a bad way. That being said, I still heard this was the hottest joint up on the Lake Michigan shore, but, let’s just say it was a totally robbery. I’m not talking about that chick I stole from that DraftFCB d-bag either – hey, bro maybe if you paid more attention to your lady than the Taco Bell shrimp taco commercial, youda kept her.  The nickel and diming is killer. The ladies next to us said they wanted a six pack, but forgot to bring it.  Being the gentleman that I am, I jumped over to their table quick and lifted up my Ed Hardy tee and showed them my killer abs. I mean I heard this place was BYO, and they charged them ladies a corkage fee, WTF.  Still, the food was awesome here, except the sushi.  They make it square with steak.  It’s supposed to be round with fish, duh.  The chef, whoever he is, yo, I will never cook for you.  You’re excluded from the surf n’ turf night. You’re excluded from ravioli night, and you’re excluded from chicken cutlet night. Also, listen, whoever runs this website, like this is the third time I’ve written this.  For sum reason my review keeps disappearin and The Situation don’t play that.  I think you know how I like beatin up them beats. Imagine that’s your head!!!!!! Also, it says I have 9,979 followers, and I know it’s supposed to say 9,993 because there’s no way I could have less followers than Pauly D. I just called all my peeps to confirm, so you better fix that.



Category: American (New)

Neighborhood: Lincoln Park
1723 N Halsted St
Chicago, IL 60611
(312) 867-0110

Snooki P
Seaside Heights, NJ

20,032 friends
3 reviews


After a long night of doing cartwheels in my thong at Underground…hee hee…I woke up at around 3 p.m. and spent a long day with the girls getting our nails did.  I was famished.  A high-class guidette like this don’t go for no taco shack (but I do like grocery store deli ham when I get supah-wasted), so we hit up this Lincoln Park joint which was supposed to be the best evah.  At first I was a little angry, I mean we walked in and we couldn’t find no door.  I mean what kind of juicehead designs a restaurant with a hidden door. I walked to the end of the hall and they have this like crazy purple thing with all these antennas or whatever hanging off it.  I thought it was like those bamboo curtain doors, so I walked in to it, and my Bump-it got caught in it and ripped it off.  But some skinny hipster dude with a big afro who said he was a smellier came out and saved me. Before they sat us, he hooked me up with a spare Bump-it and everything was cool (he said this happens all the time and they keep spares on hand). I haven’t had service like this since they hooked me up with a free shot of Stoli raspberry with my beer order at Karma nightclub. We didn’t even have to order, which is good, because I have a hard time reading since that teacher dude clocked me in the face in Jersey.  They knew how much I liked pickles from watching my show, so the chef (OMG.  HE’S SO CUTE.  Though he’s a little skinny. You know how I like gorilla-sized guidos) did a 22 course pickle-focused menu. Some wine dude named Joe hooked us up with a Kamikaze shot pairing with course seven which was dehydrated peanut butter snow covered braised gherkins with flaming dill leaves that was TO DIE FOR…. I mean there are no words to describe it so I’ll just say, F_ _ K Y_S because I love hangman.  They only have five stars on this thing, but I asked them if they could bump-it (no pun intended) up to ten for me ‘cause I ain’t never had a pickle swinging on a bow before.

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Fake Jersey people. Real reviews.®



Category: American

Neighborhood: Wicker Park
1647 N Milwaukee Ave
(between Caton St & Concord Pl)
Chicago, IL 60647
(773) 342-2340

Pauly D
Seaside Heights, NJ
9,992 friends
300 reviews


Was heatin up the wheels of steel over at Sonotheque a few years back, and I asked my boys what the fresh-to-death Italian joint was.  My bros told me about this spot that just opened that supposedly cooked like some Italian grammas (that’s Nonna to you bitches).  I didn’t want to go at first because they’d only been opened for like a day and you know that if a joint ain’t been coordinatin’ a feast for at least a month, they prob don’t have it together.  But, I ain’t no journalist, just a hungry dude.  First off this ain’t Italian.  They don’t even have sausage and peppers.  Well, they have sausage, but it’s made from pig’s brains or somethin.  Good thing I brought my boys Vinny and Ronnie, ‘cause sometimes when you eat out, there’s a grenade, you know, and you need one of your boys to fall on that bad shit, so you can eat the good stuff.  Vinny will eat anything. Kids a sucka, so he just licked up the brains and the pigs head – he says it tasted like cinnamon.  Besides there wasn’t enough for all of us, them portions here are tighter than Snooker’s fist on a glass of pickles.  I was checkin out some awesome shortbread (think it’s called that ‘cause Smurfs eat it) and some Migas Bark (at first I was like I ain’t eatin nothing that came from a tree- but it was chocolate), but, damn Vinnie sucked that up too.  I was pissed, like “Yo dude! Bros before ho hos!”  But whatever. What was cool is this place is BYO, and Ronnie brought a batch of the Ron Ron juice and they poured a round for the whole dining room.   I did like the roasted chicken, so I asked to see the chef.  He ain’t no chef. He didn’t even have one of those white Chef Boyardee hats …  was sportin’ a Yankees cap. Dude, go back to Rockaway.  METS REPRESENT!  But, he can straight up cook, and since it was there first night open I still gave him mad props.  In fact, I like him so much, I might be stalkin his whole life everytime I’m in town.

2 Responses to “Yolp! Fake Jersey people. Real reviews.”

  1. Hot (okay maybe only lukewarm at the moment) Topic Alert: the Crisis in Art Criticism : Bad at Sports Says:

    […] reviews, and other online social feedback devices. The other pieces can be found here, here, and here (this last one is about Yolp!, a Jersey Shore parody of Yelp that’s really funny). The […]

  2. jwoww maxim Says:

    hmm im in school and i wanna to know how many of you love the Jwoww on Jersey Shore? Jwoww is completely my idol.

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